American Soil!
Finally, I arrived in Oakland and everyone was escorted to an area and discharged.
I never expected to be here. I showered, put my dress greens on and
the Army fed us a steak dinner. Because of my medal, which they insisted
I wear, they assigned an NCO to help me until I was discharged. As
I walked around anyone that noticed my ribbon would salute me. Even
the enlisted along with the officers were saluting. The Army gave me
my final pay and a plane ticket to any destination.
I decided to make a stop in New Mexico to see my brother Harry who was stationed
there for a year. Before leaving, I had called him to let him know
I was stopping there. He and his wife Samantha picked me up at the
airport. To my surprise, the post Commander was present along with
Harry’s Company Commander and others. He was a Staff Sergeant, the
same grade I was. Like the others, he saluted me and then we hugged.
I spent a week there visiting with him. We ate dinner with the post
Commander and his family. I understood all of what was taking place
but I didn’t want it to be like this. I felt guilt and all that happened
to me was under false pretenses. However, I just couldn’t get it in
my head that I was out of the army for good.
I wanted to know how Harry felt about me, about what I did to dad.
We got up that morning and played a round of golf. Just completing
a round, we were sitting on the balcony of the clubhouse.
“Harry, I need to ask you something.
Sure! What is it?”
“When I went AWOL how did you feel about me?”
“I was disappointed in you, I thought you let dad down,” he replied.
“I know I felt the same way. As we grew up, I always thought we were
the closest, so I want the truth. How did you feel about me personally?
Did you think I was a coward? That is one of the reasons I came to
see you. I need to know.”
“I was angry with you for hurting dad. However, I didn’t think you
were a coward. I grew up with you and knew better. I really didn’t
think that much about it. I have my own life you know.”
“This may seem stupid, but what do you think of me now.”
“That is stupid! I’m proud of you. Everyone has forgotten the past. Don’t worry about that any more.”
“What if I told you all of my medals was fake.”
“How can they be fake?” he asked with a puzzled look.
“After I hurt Dad I volunteered for Nam so I could get killed. Everything
that happened to me was because I didn’t care about living. I wanted
to die!”
“So what! You’re home now. They gave those medals to you because
of what you did, not what you felt. It doesn’t matter to me what you
were thinking over there. I’m glad you made it home and I’m proud you’re
my brother. The family loves you no matter what happened. The
family is everything, don’t forget that,” he explained.
“What about dad? I never got to tell him I was sorry,” I said, as tears
streamed down my face. He leaned over putting his hand on my shoulder.
“Jay, you know how dad was about us kids. No matter what we did, he
always loved us. I know I have done things to hurt him, but he always
forgave me.
“I suppose so. Thanks Harry,” I said. I still had unanswered
feelings. The week had passed quickly and I was anxious to get home.
I thanked Harry and Samantha for everything as I boarded the plane.
Home Finally!
I arrived in the Memphis airport at noon. Mom and the kids were waiting
to pick me up at the terminal. The Army informed my family about the
Medal but not about the Purple Hearts. I signed a waver when I went
over there that they weren’t to inform the family of any wounds, only of
my death. I was so glad to see her I hugged her for the longest.
During the ride to the house, the kids asked me all kinds of questions and
I explained some but put them off until later.
Mom mentioned that she had seen Christi a couple of times. Christi
had told her that she wished she had waited for me. I wished mom had
not told me that. It only stirred up memories. Mom may have said
that to make me feel better but it didn’t. We arrived at the house
and I thought to myself, "Is this really happening. I was a civilian
now, what would I do?” I sat around the house a couple of days just
enjoying being home with my family.
Sunday morning we got up and went to church. Everyone seemed glad for
me to have made it home. I had made a few apologies to some that had
written, but I had not written back. I stayed awhile after church talking
to some of my old friends, but soon felt I had nothing in common with them.
Henry, the man mom was dating had a son Rob, who lived in the apartment with
him. I began staying at his place often. I met a girl, Carroll
and had spent the night with her a couple of times just for sex. I
didn’t have any feelings for her but she was nice to have for a while.
During a two-week period, I had met three other girls who I dated and had
sex with but I was feeling empty. I couldn’t feel anything in my heart
for any of them.
Girls these days seemed so easy to get. It was as if they had no pride
in themselves. In the back of my mind, they were all whores and I treated
them as though they were. Lindsey, one of them I had been with began
calling me and coming by the apartment. I didn’t want her around anymore
so I told her to get the fuck out of here and don’t come back. She
was devastated, and began crying and left. I didn’t care how she felt.
I even got a little pleasure doing that to her. I knew she wasn’t interested
in a serious relationship anyway.
Over the past three years, my senses had developed to the point it was easy
to see into people. I was at the point that there wasn’t any analyzing.
I reacted naturally to any situation without having to think it through.
It had become a game to me knowing others hearts. I wouldn’t say anything
to them. I knew the truth was all that mattered. Besides, I could
spend all day telling people things about themselves and that would only
make enemies. I would keep it to myself unless I said, something only
to impress someone.
I did have a few nightmares about what happened in Vietnam but I was determined
not to let it eat at me. Now that I was home and away from all of that,
I wanted to forget about it. It didn’t help much with everyone asking
me questions. There is always a natural curiosity about those things,
so I just handled it the best way I could. The fact that I killed someone
didn’t bother me because it was in combat. The idea that they had families
did make me think about it. I think now that I’m home, I don’t hate
Vietnamese people as much as when I was there.
Talking to Sue’s mom!
I was thinking of Sue, curious to know how she was doing. Debating
with myself whether to contact her, I decided to call her to let her know
I did make it home. I didn’t want to stir anything up from the past,
but maybe she would just want to know. I think I really wanted to know
if she still had feelings for me. I was tired of the life I had been
living. I was ready to settle down and enjoy life with someone I cared
for. The only worthwhile memories I have are when we were together.
I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing but I had to know. I called
her parents’ house and her mom answered.
“Is Sue there?”
“No, she’s not here, may I ask who is calling?”
“This is Jay, do you remember me?”
“Yes Jay! Where are you?”
“I’m home, I got back a little more than a month ago,” I answered.
“I’m glad you made it Jay, I’m really happy for you,” she said sounding excited.
“How is Sue?”
“She’s fine, she’s at work.”
“Mrs. Miller, I’m not calling to stir things up, I just want Sue to know
I made it home in case she ever wondered. Would you tell her for me
that I’m sorry for what I did, and let her know I made it home?”
“I’ll tell her Jay.”
“Mrs. Miller, you were good people to me and I’m sorry if I caused you any grief, I really am,” I said, apologizing.
“You did stir things up around here for awhile. Do you want to call her at work and tell her yourself?”
“No Mrs. Miller, she probably hates my guts and would rather not have anything
to do with me. Just tell her for me please.”
“Jay we have talked of you many times, and I know she doesn’t hate you. Maybe you should tell her yourself.”
“I’ll have to think about that.”
“Did you know her father was back over there?” She asked.
“No! When did that happen?” I asked being curious.
“The fifteenth of April, last year.”
“I wish I would have known. I would have tried to contact him.”
“He wrote me that he had tried to get in touch with you by phone but was unable to,” she replied.
“I’m sorry, I was crazy, and I should have written,” I said, apologizing again.
“He’ll be home in four months if all goes well,” she said with anticipation.
“Give me his address so I can write him Mrs. Miller.”
“I know he would want to hear from you Jay,” she replied.
I picked up a pencil and paper and wrote it down as she gave it to me.
“James was very fond of you Jay. He may not have shown it but he was.
He told me once that he thought you were a perfect soldier.”
“I could never imagine what made him think that Mrs. Miller,” I responded.
“That’s the way he felt Jay.”
“I’m going to let you go now Mrs. Miller,” I said, not wanting to impose myself any further.
“Call her later this evening.”
“I’ll think about it Mrs. Miller. It was great talking to you.”
“You too Jay. Call back soon, okay.”
“Yes ma’am Bye.”
After we hung up, I was surprised she acted nice toward me. If that
were my daughter, I would have wished me dead. I knew Sue wouldn’t
call me. I was embarrassed to write Sgt. Miller because of what I had
done to Sue, nonetheless, when I arrived home that evening I sat down and
wrote him, mainly to apologize.
For some reason during the next week, I was beginning to feel isolated from
everyone. I couldn’t explain it, but I was feeling withdrawn to myself.
I was beginning to be bad company to everyone around me. A couple more
weeks had gone by and I was doing nothing, but lying around. I needed
transportation so I got a job working in a plant rebuilding aircraft engines
and mom helped me buy a car. I found a sixty-nine Mustang Fastback
that I liked and had a way to get around.
Henry, mom’s boyfriend seemed all right. I was happy for her but I
still missed dad not being home. I had said nothing to my family about
the other medals I had received in Vietnam. They wouldn’t seem like
much to anyone next to the Medal of Honor. A week later, I received
the medals and orders of those awards in the mail. Mom and the family
saw them and were surprised. They acted proud of me but still my dad
wasn’t there to share them. I realized at this moment that the medals
meant nothing. Dads’ opinion of me was all that mattered.
Getting It Straight With Dad!
That evening, Mom and the kids were sitting at the table eating supper, as
I remained in my room not being hungry but feeling sick to my stomach.
It was eating away at me and I couldn’t keep those thoughts to myself much
longer knowing I was in a self destruct mode. A while after they had
eaten supper and finished the dishes, I went to Mom’s room to be alone with
her and talk about dad.
“Mom, I wish dad were here. Maybe he would forgive me for what I did,” I stated.
“What do you mean? He loved you; there was nothing to forgive.
Is that what you have been thinking?” She asked.
“You know how he thought about the service mom, I shamed him.
“Oh no!” She said, and began crying.
“What’s the matter mom?” I asked, as I leaned over and put my arm around her.
“Have you been tormenting yourself all this time?”
“I disgraced him mom.”
“No you didn’t, he loved you. He meant to tell you that before he died,
we talked about you. He said you made a stupid mistake and paid for
it and for me not to worry about you least of all. He said that I would
be surprised how you turn out. He wasn’t ashamed of you, he loved you,”
she explained while crying. I began crying with her.
“Mom, this has tormented me since he died. I wanted him to forgive
me but I could never find the right words to ask. I didn’t know he
felt that way,” I said, with tears.
“Jay, he knew something was eating at you and was going to talk to you about
it the next time you came to see him, but he died before he had a chance.
I was going to tell you but everything happened so suddenly I forgot.
When he died, my life was turned upside down and I forgot to tell you what
we had discussed, and how he wanted me to talk to you about it. I wish
now I would have told you,” she explained and continued crying.
“That’s Okay mom, I know now.”
“Jay, he always had a special place in his heart for you.”
“Thanks mom, I love you.” We sat on the edge of her bed for another hour talking about the things he said before he died.
I left, and went for a drive, thinking about all we had discussed.
All the crazy things I have done since he died. I began feeling like
a fool. Why don’t you grow up you stupid ass? I said, to myself.
I pulled over to the side of the road and parked, got out and went to the
other side and leaned on the car. Looking up in the sky, I said.
“I really am sorry dad. Thanks for being my dad.” At that moment,
I felt free. All my anxiety over dad vanished. I felt as though
I had wings as eagles. I drove home, went up to mom, and told her I
was going to settle down and stay around the house more often.
That evening I was sitting at the table with mom, my brothers, and sisters.
We were having a good time joking around. They had asked me about the
medals again, and I was explaining each one to them. Afterwards I was
sitting alone in my room thinking what is next in my life. I needed
to do something to get myself out of this rut. I wanted to call Sue,
but I was afraid to. You’ll never know for sure if you do not call.
I thought to myself. I suddenly realized I still loved her.
An uncertain trip to Kentucky!
I went to mom’s room to call her. It was ten minutes after ten when I dialed.
“Is Sue there? I asked.
“Just a minute.” A young boy answered. I knew it was one of her
brothers. I was so nervous and unsure I almost hung up.
“Hello!” She answered.
“Hi Sue!”
“Jay!” She said surprised, recognizing my voice.
“How have you been?” I asked.
“Fine, I’m so glad you made it back, how have you been?”
“Pretty good.”
“ Mom said she talked to you. Why didn’t you want to talk to me?”
“I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me.”
“What changed your mind about calling?” She asked.
“I need to talk to you. I want you to know why I did what I did, that’s if you would like to know.”
“If you want to tell me, I’ll listen.”
“I could explain it easier if I were with you,” I said, wanting to be near her.
“Do you mean come up here?” She asked, being surprised.
“If that’s okay with you.”
“That’s up to you, if you want to drive up here just to tell me something
you could say over the phone,” she replied, seeming indifferent.
“I want to see you. I need to see you.”
“Why?”
“I want to be facing you when I explain myself. Can I drive up to see
you?” I asked, wanting her to say it in a way that she seemed anxious.
“That’s up to you,” she said, disappointing me with the tone of her voice.
“Can I come up tomorrow?”
“If you want to, I’ll be home about six.”
“I’ll leave early in the morning. I’ll probably get to your mom’s house
a couple of hours before you get home. Is that okay?” I asked.
“That’s okay.”
“I won’t be imposing myself upon you or your family, maybe making a boyfriend mad or something will I?” I asked probing.
“Nothing that I can’t deal with,” she said not answering my question.
I had not gotten the warm welcome I was hoping for, but I couldn’t expect
it either. I didn’t want to hang up but I didn’t want to push my luck.
“I’ll see you tomorrow. Okay?”
“I’ll see you then, be careful driving,” she replied.
After hanging up, I became more anxious by the minute. I wanted to
ask her directly if she had a boyfriend, or if she still felt anything for
me but I was afraid to. I hoped my chances would be greater if I were
face to face. If she had a boyfriend or had no remaining feelings for
me and expressed that to me, I knew there would be no hope. Would her
love for me, be re-kindled if we were standing face to face?
My mind was full with thoughts. For some reason I couldn’t pick-up
on anything she’d said. I did get a positive feeling from her letting
me drive up to see her. Now that I’m going to see her, what do I say?
Could I explain myself well enough to convince her to give me another chance?
I finally fell to sleep about two thirty. My alarm went off at six
and awoke me. It was Thursday morning and I called work to tell them
I was taking off a couple of days. I left a message on the machine.
I showered and shaved, got dressed and went back downstairs to tell mom where
I was going. I asked her if she remembered us talking about Sue.
She had remembered, and I told her I was going up to see her.
I left at eight thirty, that would put me there about three thirty, or four
o’clock. I thought to myself while driving, this was a normal trip
up there because my head wasn’t on straight. It never seemed to take
this long before.
I was overly anxious to see her, but this could be payback for me.
If she rejected me, I knew I would never get my head straight. I was
even tempted to turn around and try to forget her altogether. It didn’t
seem right that I had not thought much about her while I was in Vietnam.
I should have asked her mom if she had a boyfriend. If she had one,
does she love him as much as she loved me? No, that would be stupid.
Has she been seeing anyone? Should I lie, or say anything to get her
back?
I arrived at her house at four. I remained very nervous about seeing
her and her family again. How would they react to me? I pulled
up in her driveway and got out. Mickey, Sammy, and Josh came out to
greet me. Mickey jumped in my arms.
“Hey Mickey! Boy, you have grown four feet since I last saw you!
How old are you now, eighteen?” I asked clowning with him.
“You know I’m seven, Jay!” he answered.
“All of you’re getting so big!” I said, to them. As I reached
the door, Mrs. Miller was holding it open and hugged me.
“Come on in Jay,” she said. I walked in and Sue was standing there.
My mouth dropped open. I had no idea she would be home.
“Don’t start that again,” she said. I smiled, walked over, kissed and hugged her.
“You are still beautiful,” I said, as I looked her up and down. I knew
she had changed from her nurses uniform to a black mini skirt with a yellow
blouse.
“You haven’t changed either,” she replied.
Mickey began pulling my arm, wanting me to follow him. “Jay, come here
I want to show you something!” I tried continuing to talk to Sue but
he kept tugging on me.
“Jay, come on!” he pulled again.
“Let me see what he wants,” I said, looking at Sue.
“Go ahead,” she replied. He led me into the den where a baby crib stood
in the corner with a baby inside. I walked over to see it.
“Look! This is our cousin Jay!” I stood in shock looking down
at him. I was puzzled for a second. I turned quickly looking
at Sue standing in the doorway. She was smiling and nodded her head
yes, indicating he was my son. I kneeled down putting my hands and
forehead on the crib as my eyes moistened.
“God forgive me!” I said, because the guilt I felt for leaving her
to wonder about me all this time. I took Jay out of the crib and held
him. Sue walked over to us putting her hand over my shoulder.
I looked at her asking. “How old is he?”
“Nine months, I was two months pregnant when you left,” she explained.
“How come I didn’t notice before I left?” I asked
.
“I wasn’t showing yet.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? You should have said something,” I stated.
“Jay,” she said with a soft voice, cocking her head and staring at me with a look.
“Your right,” I replied understanding what she meant.
As I stood and held him, thoughts of what I had done ran through my mind. I held him up to my cheek and kissed him.
“He’s so beautiful!” I remarked. I glanced back and saw her mother
standing behind us with tears in her eyes. “Mrs. Miller you have a
very handsome grandson here,” I said, wiping my eyes on my shoulders.
“And very sweet like his father,” she replied smiling. I turned looking at Sue.
“I don’t think your mom realizes who she’s talking about.”
“Under all that meanness, there is a little sweetness!” her mom said smiling.
“You are still a great lady!” I said, being serious and glad she didn’t hate me.
“Well thank you!” She replied
.
I put Jay’s head to my face smelling and kissing him at the same time, then
looking at Sue. “We need to talk. Is there somewhere we can go?”
I asked.
“Would you kids watch little Jay until we get back?” Sue asked.
“Yes!” they all answered.
“Mom, we’re going for a drive, will you help the kids watch the baby?”
“Sure, you two take your time,” she said putting her hand on my arm as I
walked by. I stopped and kissed her on the cheek. We walked out
to the car.
“Where do you want to go?” She asked.
“Let’s go to the river, I love going to the river with you,” I said, as we laughed.
“You haven’t changed a bit, still incorrigible, aren’t you?” She stated as I smiled at her.
I drove to the river, parked, and turned the engine off facing her with my
arm resting on the seat. Looking into her eyes, I placed my other hand
against her cheek pulling her close and hugging her. With my face in
her hair, I took a long breath.
“You smell so good. I miss that about you.”
“I miss you saying it,” she replied as I pulled back looking into her eyes.
“I’m so sorry. No excuses in the world can make up for the way I acted.
I want you to know why I treated you the way I did. I told you that
someone tore my heart out. That was true. I told you that something
happened between my father and me. That was also true. My father
was a career soldier like yours. I thought the Army meant more to him
than anything in the world. After I was in the Army a couple of months,
I had gone AWOL. That hurt him and I was ashamed. He died before
I could set things straight with him. I was so ashamed I couldn’t face
my family or friends anymore. Mostly I couldn’t face myself.
I thought the only thing for me to do was, go to Vietnam and get myself killed
in action.
Things didn’t work out the way I had planned. I’m not going to lie
either, because of all that happened over there, I all but forgot you.
After I had gotten back, I found out that my Father didn’t feel the way I
had thought. Before he died, he told mom that he loved me, and that
I had made a stupid mistake and paid for it. He also told her that
I would be all right, and she was to worry about me least of all the kids.
I realized what I had put you, myself, and others through was unnecessary.
I’m sorry for it. I wish I had it all to do over again, but I have
settled in my heart, all that had to do with my father. Will you forgive
me?” I asked.
“I forgive you,” she answered as she began crying.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I’ll be all right. I was imagining what you must have gone through.”
“There you go again, worrying about me when I put you through hell.”
“I’m Okay now,” she replied.
“The other thing, I never got over being hurt. You told me once that
you could help me get through it. Will you help me now? Will
you marry me? I love you, with all my heart,” I said, as she put her
arms around me and cried. I held her tight until she had stopped crying.
“Do you remember my last words to you on the steps? I promised you I would wait.” She said. I shook my head.
“Yes, I’ll marry you.” We kissed and held each other. “I prayed
for you every day. I also wrote you two or three times a week but I
never mailed them. Momma said time would heal everything. I kept
the letters in my drawer.”
“Would you let me read them sometime?”
“They’re yours, I wrote them to you,” she said with a teasing expression on her face.
“Why are you giving me that look?”
“Do you want to get in the back seat for old times sake?” She said as I laughed.
“Yes, but I want to go see our son,” I answered.
Driving back to the house with my arm around her, I began thinking what might have gone on in her mind this past year.
“How long would you wait before you tried to find out if I made it home?”
“You know something, I just love your mother. She’s so sweet.
We have talked many times of you, before and after I visited her. I
called her first to see if she had a picture of you I could have because
I didn’t have one,” she explained surprising me.
“Oh really! What kinds of things did she have to say? I asked.
“I know you got the Medal of Honor and was wounded twice. I probably
know everything about your childhood. She replied.
“Not everything, does your mom know everything about yours? I asked.
“Not every little thing.”
“I rest my case.”
“Then tell me about you?” She asked.
“We have the rest of our lives to find out about me, and you’re on a need
to know basis. If I feel you need to know, I’ll tell you,” I laughed.
“Real funny, aren’t you,” she said with a little chuckle.
“I do have something I feel you need to know,” I said, with a serious look.
“Tell me! She said anxiously.
“You need to know, at this second, I love you more than anything in my life
and I can see this love for you growing more each day,” I said, leaning over
and kissing her.
“I love you the same way.”
“Are we going to tell your mom when we go in?” I asked.
“We sure are,” she replied.
“There’s going to be a question in her mind, whether or not I asked you to
marry me for the right reason. I need to be the one that tells her!”
I said.
“She isn’t going to think any such thing, but you can tell her.”
We entered the den where Little Jay was sleeping as we walked over to look
at him. I leaned over and put my hand on his cheek.
“I just wanted to make sure he was real,” I said, looking back at Sue.
I stood up and pulled her to me and we kissed. The kids didn’t stay
as they had said but had gone upstairs to play and her mom was in the kitchen
preparing supper.
“Let’s go tell your mom,” I said, walking to the kitchen holding her hand.
“Mrs. Miller, would you sit down for a minute?” I asked as Sue and
I sat down. She sat at the table with us.
“You know my mind was messed up before I went to Vietnam. Sue can tell
you the details later if you want to know. Before I went over there
I fell in love with Sue but because of something that happened to me, I felt
it best for her if she had nothing else to do with me. My mind was
preoccupied with other matters. However, since I’ve been back.
I have gotten my mind straight, with help from Sue.
When I came up here today, it was my intention to ask or beg if necessary
that Sue give me another chance and ask her to marry me. I didn’t know
about Jay, but now that I do, I’m excited about him. I want you to
know that I came to realize what I missed most in my life. I missed
Sue and I don’t want you to wonder in the future why I asked Sue to marry
me. I asked her because I realized how much I love her. So, what
I’m telling you is that we’re getting married, if that is all right with
you,” I explained.
“You know it is! And I know her daddy will feel the same,” she said.
“Okay, Mom!” I said, getting up walking around the table. We hugged each other and she hugged Sue.
“Sue! Let’s go wake Jay up and tell him!” I said, jokingly.
“Don’t you dare wake him! She said. We went back to the crib to look at him.
“Do you want to go up to my room and talk?”
“Your mom isn’t going to let us be alone like that in her house before we get married,” I replied.
“Mom!” She shouted to her in the kitchen. “Will it be Okay if
Jay and I go up to my room?” She asked, as I was trying to put my hand
over her mouth, as we laughed.
“It’s none of my business what you do, if that is what you want,” she replied.
“Ha! Ha!” Sue said with a smile.
“Well let’s go up and talk, and just talk! I said, jokingly.
“Okay, she replied as we went up to her room.
“Your mom knows the kids aren’t going to let us be alone, that’s why see didn’t mind,” I stated.
“They won’t bother us, besides all we are going to do is talk. I don’t
know if you know it but mom knows we lived together and I had your baby,”
she said with a smile.
I followed her into the room and I lay back on the end of the bed. Closing the door, she looked at me and smiled.
“It’s your turn,” I said.
“No it’s not! We both did it last time,” she replied.
“Please, do it for me?” I asked.
“I have waited too long for this,” she said taking her clothes off.
Tonight I will do whatever you want. But right now I just want to screw,”
she said as I jumped up and quickly removed my clothes. We slid under
the covers and cuddled, putting our hands all over one another. She
took my hand and placed it between her legs then pulled me to get on top
of her. This turned me on as much as I have ever been. I moved
between her legs and began doing it. I made it last as long as I could
by holding back a couple of times to prolong our pleasure. She clawed
my back to the point of leaving marks but that caused my pleasure to increase.
“Suck on my breast, feel them!” She panted. I moved my mouth
over them, sucking and feeling all over them. She was driving me crazy
with lust. She was moaning and grunting, saying, “Do me! Come
on do me!” until I exploded in her. We grasped each other, holding
as tight as we could for several minutes. I tried getting up but she
held firm with her arms locked around me and her face buried in my neck.
I thought she may be getting the hiccups but she was holding back from crying.
“What’s the matter?” I asked softly, holding her face with my hand.
She began crying, trying to explain at the same time.
“Not knowing if I would ever see you again. I waited everyday to hear
from your mother. You only wrote her one time. “Why,” The Army
sent her official notice about your medal and I was so happy to hear something
until Momma told me what you probably went through to get it. I realized
then that things were more serious. Something else may happen to you.
Jay and I would be alone for the rest of our lives. I almost lost hope,”
she said continuing to cry. I moved beside her holding her face and
kissing her cheek.
“I don’t deserve you. What you did took more courage than anything
I have ever did in my life. What you did was out of love and what I
did was out of hate. I feel so ashamed. I’m so sorry I put you
through that,” I said, and cried with her. We remained silent lying
next to one another.
“I need to go to the bathroom,” she said getting up to put her clothes on. When she returned I had dressed.
“I’m surprised the kids left us alone,” I said, being puzzled.
“Dad put that condition on the kids when I moved back in. They weren’t
to bother me while I was in my room unless it was an emergency,” she replied
“Come here and sit. Can I ask you something without upsetting you?” I asked as she sat beside me.
“I’ll try not to get upset.”
“If you hadn’t had Jay, would you have felt the same?”
“Jay, look into my heart and tell me what you feel. Within fifteen
minutes after we met, I was in love with you. Since then, I have never
imagined life without you. With or without Jay I love you so much it
hurts. After we talked on the phone yesterday, I cried for hours because
I didn’t know for sure why you wanted to come. Right now, I’m so afraid
you might have second thoughts and it hurts to think about it,” she said
as I noticed tears in her eyes.
“I feel the same way. Yesterday when we talked, I tried my best to
detect something that would indicate that you had waited for me. There
was nothing accept you letting me come up. I almost turned around on
the way up here because I didn’t want to take the chance of you rejecting
me. My heart ached so much because I wasn’t sure you loved me anymore.
This very second I love you so much it hurts and I don’t know how to express
how much I love you. I will never let you go now. Do you feel
how much I love you? Because you’re generating so much love, I realize
now how much you do love me. The love inside me, can’t you feel it?”
I asked.
“I can because I felt something lifted from me.”
“That’s it! You sense it the same as I do. You feel the love
I have for you so you were relieved of the doubt,” I explained.
“That feeling, is that how you know so much about people?” She asked.
“Yes, people generate these feelings by talking, body language, a facial
expression, the way they look at you, by being silent, every little thing
about a person sends some kind of message. You just have to be aware
of it. What I said, to you about loving you, I wanted you know what
was in my heart and you sensed it. That is how I know things.
Does it make sense to you now?”
“Yes.”
As we sat, I wondered what she had written in the letters.
“Will you let me read a couple of the letters?”
“If you really want to.”
“I really would,” she got up going to her closet and brought back a stack of letters held together by rubber bands.